The Procession to Calvary Trophy Guide

Trophy Roadmap:

Difficulty: 1.5/10.
Estimated time to Platinum: 2 – 3 Hours.
Trophies: 22. 1 / 7 / 8 / 6 .
Missable trophies: 4.
Glitched trophies: None.
Difficulty related: None.
Playthrough: 1 + about 10 minutes in a new game. 

Introduction:

Welcome to the Procession to Calvary Trophy Guide!
The Procession to Calvary is an absurdist, Monty Python-esque point and click adventure game utilizing Renaissance art, originally developed and released by Joe Richardson for PC in 2020, and ported to PS4 in 2021.  You play as a soldier fresh off of the Holy War, on a mission for the newly-crowned Immortal John to kill his rival, Heavenly Peter.

A full Trophy Walkthrough is also provided below. If you are enjoy my work, please consider donating to my Ko-fi.

Roadmap:

Step 1: Pacifist Playthrough – Endings 2 and 3
This will be the bulk of your platinum time as well as the majority of the trophy list.  You must actually play through the game instead of just killing everyone on your way to victory.  Just remember to make a separate save in the final room of the game (in the Basilica, where Heavenly Peter is) to save yourself an entire second playthrough of the game.  Keep an eye out for the missable trophies.

You’ll be earning these trophies (in likely order):
Whoopsie!
Spank the Bishop (MISSABLE)
Abuse Democracy
Duped!
Magician’s Assistant #1
Brawler (MISSABLE)
Who’s a good boy!? (MISSABLE)
Magician’s Assistant #2
Win the Talent Show
Magician’s Assistant #3
Holy Book (MISSABLE)
Make a Friend
King for a Day
Appease the Devil
Swapsies
Treasure Hunter
First Blood
The End #3
The End #2

Step 2: Psycho Killer – Ending 1
Start a new game.  You will want to kill everyone you can between you and Heavenly Peter – See Serial Killer for a full list.

During this step you’ll earn these trophies:
Serial Killer
The End #1
King of the Trophies!

Step 3: Cleanup (optional)
If you missed any of the missable trophies in Steps 1 or 2, you will need to start a new playthrough to obtain them.

Tips and Strategies:

MAKE MANUAL SAVES.  The save menu says there’s an autosave, but I never noticed it. 
You only have three manual save slots.

Text Walkthrough:

When I say “click,” I mean use the hand icon.  This will do something other than pick up whatever the item is.

After Battle
Walk all the way right and off of the cliff – Whoopsie! unlocked
Start new game
Walk left
Pick up scissors
Walk right
Click one of the Grovellers – Spank the Bishop unlocked
Talk to Immortal John
Can I do some more murders now?
What led you to adopt such ridiculous beliefs?
Wait, so you never actually killed Heavenly Peter? 

Boat
I guess I should go find you some dang oars then, eh?
Exit right to Field Hospital

Field Hospital
Talk to Reclining Knight
What are you doing down there?
What injuries are you seeking care for?
OK…Bye.

Exit to Boat

Boat
Pick up discarded clothing – get socks
Exit to Field Hospital

Field Hospital
Talk to Resting Knight
What’s up?
What injuries are you seeking care for?
Never mind.
Use scissors with Resting Knight
Click Reticent Knight
Use socks with Reclining Knight
Talk to Cripple
Can I borrow your crutches? – get oars – Abuse Democracy unlocked
Exit to Boat

Boat
Use oars with Boatman
Use sword ( ) with rope

Outside Town
I honestly have no idea why I’m here.
I’m on it!
Exit left

Crucifixion
Walk left
Exit up the path to the windmill hill

Torture
Talk to Nude Bowman
Are you going to shoot the dang apple off that chump’s head or not?!
Pick up apple
Exit back to Crucifixion

Crucifixion
Use sword with suspiciously hotspot-y post (the one with the guy on the wheel)
Pick up man on the wheel
Walk right
Pick up severed head
Exit right

Outside Town
Use apple with woman on donkey
Use man on wheel with broken cart – Duped! unlocked

Town Square
Walk left and talk to Ferryman
Will you take me to the church, please?
Is there another way across the canal?
OK, no further questions.
Walk right
Talk to Merry Townspeople
Are you some sort of magician?
What kind of tricks do you do?
Can you teach me to walk on water?
I’m going to walk away from you now.
Exit right to Outside Town, then right to Graveyard

Graveyard
Pick up big ol’ berries
Click boulder
Exit to Outside Town, then Town Square

Town Square
Talk to Merry Townspeople
Here’s your dang berries. – get boat pass – Magician’s Assistant #1 unlocked
Walk left
Use boat pass with Ferryman
Enter Basilica

Basilica
I’m here on a holy pilgrimage
If you don’t step aside I will flip out and become dangerously hysterical
Are you trying to solicit a bribe?
Click tiny lion – Who’s a good boy!? unlocked
Click Scholars until Brawler unlocks – 7-8 times
Exit left and talk to Boatman

Town Square
Enter door where the Merry Townspeople were

Manor
Exit left to lounge
Talk to Snuff Sniffing Snob
Can I have a bump of your snuff? – get upper-laced snuff
How come you’re so relaxed amidst this clamour?
Aren’t you mad your aunt left you out of her will?
Did you say TREASURE MAP?!
Do you still have the TREASURE MAP?!
CAN I HAVE THE TREASURE MAP!!?!?!?! – get treasure map
Toodloo, old chap!
Exit to Town Square, then enter the bottom right door

Theater
Talk to Tall Lass
Tell me more about this talent contest.
How is the winner selected?
That’s all I wish to discuss.
Exit left to Town Square, then enter the left-most door (it’s red and near the docks)

Apartments
Talk to Dressmakers
Will you make a dress for me?
OK, I’ll leave you to it.
Walk left
Talk to Sad Man
Will you write a song for me? – get music
Exit through door behind Sad Man
MAKE A SEPARATE SAVE.
Exit left
Quickly use sword on fish, then pick it up
Reload save if necessary – it’s much quicker
Exit up towards the windmill (Outside Town), then left

Crucifixion
Walk left and talk to Street Magician
What’s in it for me?
OK. Bye.
Exit up the path

Torture
Use bump of upper-laced snuff with Metrognome
Pick up pliers
Exit to Crucifixion, then Outside Town, then Graveyard

Graveyard
Pick up pile of bones
Exit to Outside Town, then Town Square, then Apartments

Apartments
Pick up dress
Exit to Town Square, then Theater

Theater
Look at song (inventory)
Talk to Tall Lass
I’d like to enter the talent contest!
I can sing!
TIMED! Select lines in order: 1 / 3 / 2 / 4 / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4
Get necklace – Win the Talent Show unlocked
Exit to Town Square, then Outside Town, then Crucifixion

Crucifixion
Walk left
Use pliers and pile of bones with Street Magician – Magician’s Assistant #2 unlocked
Exit to Outside Town, then Graveyard

Graveyard
Talk to boulder
How did you get past this massive boulder?
What seems to be the problem?
Will you promise to give me the boy if I help you?
Try pushing from your side
Click boulder – Magician’s Assistant #3 unlocked
Exit to Cave

Cave
Click barrel full of bugs – get bugs
Pick up sacrificial lamb
Pick up supple young boy with rosy cheeks and a pert little butt
Exit right
What do you mean by “pearl famine”?
Why are you so desperate for pearls?
If I help you appease the devil, will you give me some of your pearls?
What constitutes an “appropriate sacrifice”?
What was the Devil’s riddle?
This is all too weird for me.  I’m off!
Exit left x2 to Graveyard

Graveyard
Look at grave
Use sacrificial lamb with dead guy – get book, then back out
Exit to Outside Town, then Crucifixion, then Torture

Torture
Use book with man tied to tree
Talk to Nude Bowman
Are you going to shoot the dang book off that chump’s head or not?! – Holy Book unlocked
Pick up book
Exit to Crucifixion

Crucifixion
Use bugs with skunk – Make a Friend unlocked
Walk right
Exit to Outside Town, then Town Square, then Manor

Manor
Exit left to Lounge
Walk right until you can see the window
Click skunk
Exit, then exit right to Library
Use book with Library – get crown – King for a Day unlocked
Exit, then exit to Town Square

Town Square
Look at window (just left of the exit to Outside Town)
Pick up key, then back out
Exit to Outside Town, then Graveyard, then Cave

Cave
Use severed head with barrel of bugs
Click barrel of bugs – get bug-eaten head
Use bug-eaten head with barrel of bugs
Click barrel of bugs – get skull
Use skull with satanic altar
Exit right
Talk to Bird-man
I have made a sacrifice at the altar! – Appease the Devil unlocked
Pick up pearl
Exit left x2 to Outside Town, then Town Square, then Manor

Manor
Use pearl with Girl with Amethyst Earring – get amethyst – Swapsies unlocked
Exit to Town Square, then Gallery (white building)

Gallery
Look at map (inventory)
Walk to the door in the back of the room (don’t exit)
Left of the door is a painting – “A painting of Some Buildings and Some Sky”.
Look at the painting, then click the area that was marked on the map
Use key with safe
Pick up treasure – get brooch – Treasure Hunter unlocked
In inventory, combine brooch and amethyst
Exit to Town Square

Town Square
Use boat pass with Ferryman

Basilica
Enter Basilica
Use young boy, brooch, necklace and crown with Cardinals
Walk right and exit up to the room with the statue in it
MAKE A SEPARATE SAVE
Exit to Heavenly Peter
Talk to Heavenly Peter
Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! – First Blood unlocked

Go from screen to screen, killing whoever you can.  Note that there are two more screens filled with people – from the church, just exit left twice and you’ll reach a town square area, with another screen you can access to the right

The End #3 unlocked

RELOAD SAVE
Rich, you say…
Press to put away sword
Keep clicking on the mirror
The End #2 unlocked

Start a new game.  We’re just going to kill everyone to get where we need to go.  It makes the game so much quicker when you can just kill people!  Press to un/sheathe your sword.

Walk right
Talk to Immortal John
Can I do some more murders now, please?
What led you to adopt such ridiculous beliefs?
Wait, so you never actually killed Heavenly Peter?
I guess I should go find you some dang oars then, eh?
Exit right
Kill Cripple
Pick up oars
Exit to Boat
Use oars with Boatman
Use sword with rope
Exit left x2 to Torture
Kill Nude Bowman
Kill Man Tied to Tree
Kill Torturee
Exit right x3 to Graveyard
Look at grave
Click dead man (poke him)
Kill Sleeping Guy, then back out
Exit left to Outside Town
Kill Gatekeepers – you’ll only kill the left one
Walk left
Kill the Ferryman – Serial Killer (G) unlocked
Click unmanned vessel
Enter Basilica
I’m here to murder Heavenly Peter!
Kill Cardinals – you’ll only kill the left one
Walk right and enter room with statue in it
Exit to Heavenly Peter
Kill Heavenly Peter (don’t talk to him)
Keep clicking all four nails until The End #1 and King of the Trophies! unlocks

Trophy Guide:

King of the Trophies! King of the Trophies!

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Whoopise! The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he delivers those who are discouraged.

At the very beginning of the game, walk as far to the right as you can, then jump over the cliff.

Abuse Democracy I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, that all of you agree with one another in what you say.

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will need to get three people outside of the field hospital to convince the man on crutches to give you the crutches. To do so, you need to speak to each to figure out why they’re at the hospital, then solve their problems.

Resting Knight needs a pair of scissors
Reticent Knight just needs a pat on the head
Reclining Knight needs a pair of socks

Once you’ve helped all three, ask the man with crutches for the oars, and all of the knights will agree that you should have them.

Duped! My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.

Story-related and cannot be missed.

When you arrive to town, you will not be allowed in. The woman who gave you a ride will offer you a pass if you help her out. You will need to give her an apple (found in the torture area) and a wheel (cut down the man being crucified on a wheel).

Magician’s Assistant #1 Nor did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality or their thefts.<

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will unlock this when you give the Street Magician the berries from the graveyard.

Who’s a good boy!? The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear, a mouth like that of a li

MISSABLE

Inside the Basilica is a tiny lion. Simply pet it for this wholesome trophy.

Win the Talent Show Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will earn this after winning the talent show. To win the talent show, you must first possess a dress, a song, and a fish.

Magician’s Assistant #2 The lamplight will never shine in you again …For by your magic spell all nations were led astra

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will unlock this when you help the Street Magician escape crucifixion – give him the pile of bones from the graveyard and the pliers from the stomach of the man being rotated over the fire in the torture area.

Magician’s Assistant #3 Keep on, then, with your magic spells and with your many sorceries…

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will unlock this after freeing the Street Magician from the cave in the graveyard that is blocked by a giant boulder.

King for a Day I will make thee exceeding fruitful, I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of the

Story-related and cannot be missed.

In the cave in the graveyard is a lamb. Pick it up and exchange it for the book the dead man in the grave is holding. Bring this book to the Library in exchange for one of the necessary bribe items. Make sure you unlock Holy Book before returning the book.

Treasure Hunter The Lord shall open unto thee his good treasure…

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will unlock this after recovering the brooch from the safe in the art gallery.

Appease the Devil You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires.

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will unlock this after recovering the brooch from the safe in the art gallery.

Swapsies Every woman shall borrow of her neighbour …jewels of silver, and jewels of gold.

After unlocking Appease the Devil, you will be in possession of a pearl. Go into town and give it to the Girl with the Amethyst Earring. She will trade you her amethyst and you will unlock this trophy.

Make a Friend The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Story-related and cannot be missed.

In the cave in the graveyard is a barrel of bugs.  Pick up some bugs and give them to the skunk in the crucifixion area.  He will start following you around and you’ll unlock this trophy.

The End #1 …Jesus said, “It is finished.” And with that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

If you kill anyone at any point during your playthrough, this is the ending you will unlock.  As such, this is best combined with Serial Killer.

The End #2 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’

For this ending, you need to reach Heavenly Peter without killing anyone.  When he speaks to you, he will offer you riches.  You then have the option to agree to the riches.  Doing so will give you this trophy after the credits roll.

The End #3 and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying: for the former things are passed aw

For this ending, you need to reach Heavenly Peter without killing anyone.  When he speaks to you, he will offer you riches.  Kill him instead.  Doing this will give you this trophy after the credits roll.

First Blood Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed, for God made man in his own image

Story-related and cannot be missed.

You will unlock this when you perform your first kill.  If you’re following the walkthrough, this won’t be until you kill Heavenly Peter, but you can unlock this as early as the man with the crutches.

Holy Book Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy…

MISSABLE

Once you are in possession of the book from the dead man in the graveyard, take it to the torture area and put it on the head of the man next to the tree (the one who used to have an apple on his head).  Then speak with the bowman and tell him to shoot the book off of the man’s head.

Spank the Bishop …whoever shall slap thee on thy right cheek, turn to him also the other.

MISSABLE

On the very first screen of the game, you will notice a few grovelers in front of Immortal John. Use the hand icon on any of them to spank them and unlock this trophy.

Brawler Then I will act with hostility toward you; I also will strike you seven times for your sins.

MISSABLE

There are several men in the game that, if you use the hand icon on them, you will punch.  You need to do this seven times to unlock the trophy.  I just did this on the sitting men in the Basilica, as they say something different every time you hit them.

Serial Killer And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting …And from each human being, too.

MISSABLE

For this trophy, you need to kill everyone possible standing between you and the Basilica. The list is as follows:-

• Cripple (field hospital)
• Nude Bowman (torture area)
• Man Tied to Tree (torture area)
• Torturee (torture area)
• Sleeping Guy (in graveyard grave; poke him first to wake him up)
• Gatekeepers – you’ll only kill the left one (outside town – the guy with the big key)
• Ferryman